Stranglehold Impressions

There's this new Jon Woo game whose name I can only seem to remember for a few seconds at a time. Seriously, I think I had to ask my friend the name of this game like 11 times today.

It stars Jackie Chan Jet Li Chun Li Chow Yun Fat as the main character and has all kinds of kick ass action movie type shit that you can do. You can dive and shoot in all kinds of directions, slow the action down with bullet time, and even take a shit on your enemy's chests. Okay, I may have made that last part up, but overall the game is pretty cool.

The only drawback I see is that it pretty much utilizes every single trigger, button, and switch on your controller which is confusing as hell. I like games that use a maximum of three buttons (one of which can be the directional pad). Why? Maybe it's because the last console I owned was a NES. Or maybe it's because I have a learning disability (asshole). Bottom line is the controls take some getting used to.

I think I spent the majority of my time playing this game at the airplane hangar because it was either that or play one of the other two games that were on display. Just funnin' ya, pee wee, it's actually a decent game. You should buy it. In fact, buy two copies and give one to me as payment for this awesome review.

Dear E3: You Fucking Suck

Why did you even bother? Shitty games, no schwag, and no booth whores. Even the creator of the Metal Gear series, Toejammy Kajagoogoo, learned enough English to say "E3 Sucks" at the Konami press conference (which itself was a task to endure).

In conclusion, thanks for nothing. If it's like this next year I'll have more fun staying home and punching myself in the nuts -- which I've been known to do from time to time.

Nintendo Press Conference: Wii Are Gay

Nintendo shocked the world when it announced at its press conference today that they were indeed "coming out." They also stated that they were poised to "penetrate the market [...] deeper." Having already taken a major foothold with female and geriatric consumers, Nintendo hopes to expand their player base to include the gay community. The earliest title that will be released to appeal to this new audience is WWE Smackdown! Vs. Raw 2008 (yes kids, wrestling IS gay). Sources close to the company confirm that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto will grace the cover of gay publication the Advocate later this month in celebration of their homosexuality.

Hey, Guess What?!

Halo stole their theme music from a little SNES game called Solstice. Check it out. I'm tired and lazy, but I'll post a comparison soon.